Dear Sweet & Low,
I am sitting at my desk at work, and I think I’ve come to a turning point in my career. There’s a very nice woman who works in my department, and she has a stupendous backside. I’d never tell her this, not with sexual harassment seminars being a mandatory condition for working at my company, and because I don’t want to be THAT guy. I don’t disrespect women. I love them, they’re great, and they bring a ton of value to our company and workspace. Being without them makes me think of naval ships and being trapped on a submarine with no soft female touches in sight. Can you tell I’m not a Tom Clancy fan? The Hunt for Red October is my idea of torture.
This is my problem. I have a girlfriend, and she is less curvy than the woman at work. I love my girlfriend, we have good sex, and we’re both open-minded. I don’t always fantasize about facesitting while we’re having sex, but when I have time to masturbate, it’s my go-to. Her butt isn’t flat, and if it were, I’d still want to be with her. But I can’t tell her I fantasize about my co-worker throwing me to the office floor, hiking up her skirt, and plopping on my face. It’s inappropriate for all parties! To ask a woman to sit on my face sounds like the creep statement of the year.
I’ve read on your website this is programming from my childhood, but I don’t have a clue where my love of being smothered comes from. Is this necessary? While being pressed against my girlfriend’s chest is nice, and she likes me to play with her breasts during sex, it doesn’t give me the same charge as wanting to be pinned down by the weight of a woman, ass in my face, crotch covering my mouth and nose, forced to please her orally until I panic or pass out. That can’t be normal, but I don’t care. It’s extremely erotic.
Please tell me what to do!
Yours in cubicle hell,
Full-Bottomed Bummer
That, my friend, is not a bummer. It’s a blessing in disguise. It would be a potential problem if you developed feelings for your co-worker in an attempt to get closer to her backside, and constructed an elaborate fantasy life that diminishes your intimacy with the GF. So why borrow trouble? You have an open-minded girl, and she does not need butt implants for you to experience your fantasy. For many women, hearing about what turns their men on is arousing, but even the most confident women will take pause when hearing she doesn’t have something her partner wants. That’s natural. Most will shrug and get on with their lives, knowing if it wasn’t a big deal in the beginning, it’s not going to be a big deal now, unless it’s an excuse for an end.
As to the where of your story’s origin, this goes out to anyone who has no clue what incident from the past has manifested this desire: you don’t need to know. It’s not a necessity for play. The desire may have deep roots in our pasts, but we are dealing with the present, and the present means navigating a dialogue that allows you to express what you want and how you would like to experience it.
As much as I’m a big supporter of the WHY, it can be used to stagnate progress. How many people have you known who believe they’re fucked up because of something someone did to them years ago and do nothing about it?
Besides, our psyches are so complex and intricate, when you are ready to know something, you’ll know it. It will show up like a check in the mail you weren’t expecting. If it’s something that’s troubling you because there is trauma attached, and you’re stuck in the cycle of trying to re-create the trauma so you can release that pent-up emotional energy, seek out a professional who can help you explore the why.
The need to be smothered, suffocated, and pushed to the limits of perception is a mix of coping mechanism, desire for growth, and plain ol’ mental hotness. To say one takes precedent over the others feels like an excuse to create a problem where there is none.
Let’s break this down from a reality perspective. This is what we see in various forms ALL THE TIME…
Watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle… In our methodology and mythology, why are these images so prevalent? Maybe because we’re shown this…
…well before we see two humans engaging in playful, engaging, multi-pleasurable bonding, and I ain’t talking about porn.
Our culture is #obsessed with the ass. Going down the timeline of erotic influences, we’ve been obsessed with boobies, legs, ankles and necks (Japanese geisha), small waists (Victorian era), androgyny (fashion shows), muscles (bodybuilders), fat (pre-Rafael), and this is just naming the obvious. Wherever there’s a culture to be had, we fall hard for a part of the anatomy that represents something taboo, holy, unseen, misunderstood, symmetrical, asymmetrical, precious, and obscene in an attempt to attract, detract, and take a break from the norm. Simply put, as humans, the harder it is to attain, the better. As for the tush, we repress the crap out of our animal sides. We live in houses; we spray for bugs; we rarely go into Nature, as Nature has been deemed unsafe. Yet our genetics have not changed for hundreds of thousands of years.
I’m going to ramble for a moment. Take note on what resonates and what doesn’t. You’re not saying you want doggy-style. You’re saying you want to have all that round loveliness planted over your face. You’re not conquering it; it’s controlling you at the most primal level. You long to relinquish control in your work setting—a place of high-stress, instinct-repression central—and you want to have your breath stolen. The monotony of the same building, desk space, obligatory salutations, and workload every day doesn’t leave a wide margin for moments that take your breath away. You crave an experience that can take over, preferably one that knows how to twerk it like she knows what that pencil skirt is doing for her backside.
Full-Bottomed Boredom, here’s my suggestion. You tell your gal you’d like her to sit on your face and ask permission to pleasure her while you’re down there. Make sure you tell her whether you want to experience loss of breath or you just want to feel her feminine parts against your face in a new way. Not everyone understands there’s a distinction between a sensory experience and breath restriction. Give good detail, especially if she asks questions. This paves the way for deeper exploration. For an entire week, make a point of pleasuring her as often as she wants without asking for anything in return. If she offers, decline. Then take a break for a week, and go about your regularly scheduled fucking. Kiss, cuddle, pet, but nothing that involves her tush and your face. You might find your desire for the crotch smother waxing and waning, but don’t freak out. This isn’t an exorcism. It’s not an attempt to “cure” you by making what you want constantly available and yanking it away. Over time, GF will associate receiving pleasure every time she’s in that position. She can play dominant or submissive in this role. If she gets off on being commanded to take pleasure, awesome. If she gets off on commanding you to please her, splendid. It’s your fantasy, but she gets to have one that works for her too. Win/win.
Ideally, you want to ease into the play to maximize relaxation and fun. Do not, I repeat, do not say, “Can’t you just sit on my face?” Saying things like this demonstrates you have the eloquence of a two-year-old screaming for a juice box.
If she asks, “How do you want me to sit on your face?” Because, let’s face it, facesitting is a gentle art, this is what you’ll do…
Put your head on a fluffy pillow. When she sits over you, tell her to squeeze the pillow between her knees. This ensures that her legs are comfortable and gives you the illusion she has the surface quantity you find attractive. If she likes this and you like this, take it a step further and introduce the breath play. Tell her to relax her weight onto your nose and mouth, gradually increasing the time you’re without air. When she’s sitting, tease her with your tongue. Let her play with the position that’s most comfortable, and get ready for a fair amount of squirming. Introduce a challenge. See how close you can push her to climax while holding your breath. You both need to check in with the experience. Frequently. If you start to thrash and panic and she doesn’t know you are loving it, she’s not going to want to continue. Nothing kills a power high like the fear you’ve hurt or offended your lover.
On the safety side, do your homework. If she’s worried about killing off your brain cells, look up how long it takes to pass out from loss of oxygen. This can be anywhere from two to ten minutes before there’s brain damage. If you have health issues, an aneurysm, congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, anything that signals weak blood vessels, you need to keep this in the 20-40 second range and build up your endurance. Don’t be lazy and assume it won’t hurt. Chances are, it won’t. Unless she’s taking a nap while you suffocate, you’re in more danger hanging around second-hand smoke. She needs to know this if she’s going to enjoy it.
In my experience, sitting on a man’s face can be extremely erotic, but it comes from the fact I know what’s happening to his body, having experienced it myself. When he starts straining and bucking and moaning, that’s hot. I have a thing for horseback riding and the rodeo and taming the beast. I’m doing that to him. I have that power. Not all women will feel this, especially if you ask them to do it frequently, and it replaces the playful nature of connectivity found in satisfying sex. If you’re needing that stimulus and your gal isn’t in the mood, resist the urge to turn to your favorite facesitting clip and get off in the privacy of your own head. This will create more distance between you and your woman, the opposite of what play is about. Instead, take it as an opportunity. This is quality time you can learn about your relationship with the breath. Go to a peaceful room and close the door. Pick any breathing technique you find. I recommend box breathing and the Wim Hof method. You can experience the same rush outside of the fantasy. The added benefits of becoming in tune with the one thing you can’t live without for more than a couple of minutes, i.e. oxygen, are priceless.
FBB, you may have noticed I have not addressed the other elephant in the room: the woman at work. Here’s what I’m thinking. You read the above, picture playing with your partner, and poof, the other chick doesn’t exist. She’s nice to look at, you can safely appreciate her assets for what they are, and go home with a smile. Here today, gone tomorrow, no big deal, because you’re addressing the core motivation instead of letting it become a monster in your mind. You take the energy and get productive, using it as a means to bring you closer to the one you have chosen to be with. Because the girl at work, you don’t know her. No matter what you make up about her, it’s hearsay. She’s a mystery, and there are plenty of mysteries in the world you don’t need to solve, many of which will not cause you conflict and boredom-induced drama.
If you could not or did not want to imagine your partner engaging in this play, there may be a trust issue, or maybe things have gotten super chill, comfortable, or casual. Security is a double-edged sword. Have too little, it’ll fry your nerves. Have too much, it’s like living with your sister. Maybe there’s underlying tension or resentment that hasn’t been addressed, or it has been addressed, but no action has been taken to alleviate the systems. Or maybe you want to keep this little secret to yourself because you share everything else. I get it. All of that is valid, but this isn’t a place you can stay without suffering down the road.
Go home and tell your girlfriend what you’re comfortable telling her, and come up with a plan together. You may be surprised how easy it is to get the ball rolling in a different direction. Fight for what you want, but give her the choice of being an ally before she becomes an enemy.
If your girlfriend is the one for you most of the time, that’s all you need. Let the fantasy be the fantasy. If she’s not, and you’re using this as an excuse to ditch a job you don’t like, or a relationship that feels incomplete because your perfect woman is out there, has the ass the size of a dump truck, and wants to control you with it, do your GF a favor and get the f*&^ out of her way.
Either way, I want you to have the experiences that take your life from mindless automation to thrilling, enriching adventures. As an old friend used to say, “A closed mouth don’t get fed.”
Bikinis and broncos,
S&L
For the Ladies
Gals out there doing the booty call dance, facesitting is taking that provocation to a new level. If you’re working on that behind, doing your squats and lunges, sweating through bootcamp to get a toned backside, you’re in good shape to climb aboard the facesitting train. But here’s the reality so you’re prepared…
In his mind, the fact that you’re in the dominant position is highly sexual. You’re owning his breath and voice with the most vulnerable, tender, and “owned” part of your sex. On the outside, it looks like punishment. On the inside, you are giving him the permission to surrender to the Goddess, the pussy, the female center of life. If you can take his breath, you can make him do whatever you’d like, including lick you, massage you, and pleasure you any way you see fit. The idea is to use his face like a nubile clit tease. This can be empowering, once you are over the idea that you may hurt him or do something wrong.
It may occur to you that grinding your muff against a grasping mouth is more annoying, and perhaps painful, than sexy. If this is the case, don’t continue just because he likes it. He’s a big boy, and ultimately, he’s craving the excitement of not breathing, the fantasy of you being in control, and an escape from the norm. There are other ways to smother. You can use your breasts, your hand over his mouth and nose, or a piece of latex or plastic wrap, while he stimulates you in a way that pulls you into the fantasy. If you’d rather not get distracted by what he’s doing to you, tell him, with kindness, to be still. Don’t settle into a complacent “I’m doing this because I love you” position. The less you create a scoreboard of who did what for the other, the less likely you are to build resentment.
And if you just so happen to reach down and play with his cock, well let’s just say, you’re going to make his day.
For the smaller females out there, once he starts heaving, he may throw you off, and both of you, out of the fantasy. If this is the case, restraints can be used. They are effective as they are easy to use. Make sure you discuss this, shop for the right equipment, and make the time to play with bondage before adding the breath play. Some people love the idea of being restrained, but once the reality sets in, they may experience panic, anxiety, and a whole wealth of buried feelings that come with not being in control. Back off and talk about it. If he doesn’t want to talk about it because he doesn’t know why he’s feeling what he’s feeling, cool. Bookmark it. Hold each other. Let tenderness replace the tension. Processing takes time and patience, the hallmarks of true affection and maturity.
You have come a long way, Grasshopper. You deserve a reward. Here’s a little something to get you in the mood, courtesy of the band that never was…
If you found this entertaining and/or helpful, please spread the word. If you have a fantasy you want translated, write me a letter at Dear Sweet & Low. Thanks so much for reading. It is my highest honor to share this work with you. As always, be kind to one another, ask for consent, share what you can when you can, and let tomorrow take care of itself.
UPDATE 3/01/2022: For more on the buttocks, see our article A Is for Ass Worship and Asphyxiation
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